Memory

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
― Søren Kierkegaard

I am surprised by what I remember. Some memories rise up effortlessly over and over again while others require searching and digging. They span some 61 years of living but their clarity and impact are not related to time.  So many from my childhood are as easy to slip into as the conversation in the next room.  I have forgotten most minutes, hours, days of this longish life which seemed unfathomable at the time it was all happening.  Similar to what Maya Angelou said about what we remember, how we remember how people made us feel not what they said, my memories are mostly about how I felt. Any sense perception I have of what happened, the colors, sounds, smells, textures, circulate around and give expression to those feelings like in a dream.

I find it extraordinary that how I remember things changes overtime. What had seemed like a shameful failure is now something that I have tender self-compassion.  I can see how a long ago passage through grief, a time when I really allowed myself to weep and rage, led to an inner bridge from aloneness into solitude and belonging. I understand only now why something I struggled with for so long was a necessary struggle that needed time to be resolved because there was a deeper growth going on that I was not yet aware of.  Looking back, I see patterns that I could not see before that tell the story of the truth of things unfolding in my life.

Now, I can see the unexpected help that was given to me even though I was not worthy of it and did not before see how it was help. I have more understanding for how complex, confused, and wounded humans are so am free of jealousies and envy that I could not let go of in the past.  People, interactions, relationships all have more depth when I see them from a distance.

From this vantage, I can look back to consider what has brought me most meaning, contentment, fulfillment.  So that I might remember to live towards that contentment and meaning now.  Often what was difficult in the moment, a time that I didn’t want to live through or was bored or irritated with in the end brought me great satisfaction. I see the value of doing difficult things now even if unpleasant because of what these kinds of struggles offer overtime. I see the value in trying and sticking with something even as I fail to meet my expectations over and over and over again. I see now how fear stopped me from doing so many things and how the times that it did not helped me to grow in courage, faith, and freedom. This gives me more strength and courage now to do things I need to do even if I am afraid because it is a movement towards growth, compassion, and freedom.

As to these regrets, I say to the younger versions of myself, “I understand now what you needed.  I am sorry I was not there for you.  I am here now.”