Dancing with Fear

 

I have been afraid of many things over the years.  Most of these things do not make rational sense but because of the trauma I experienced as a child and just the way I am in the world, small things can trigger a fear that the world that supports me is about to collapse.  It feels inside like I am about to be annihilated, to be disappeared.  It is only recently, in this latter half of life and after many years of yoga, that I have begun to find space between what is happening and the fear.  I have come to sense in my body that just because something feels like a catastrophe it isn’t necessarily one.  It is a grace of healing to see the differences between these two – what is happening and how I feel about it  - even if sometimes only a sliver light escapes between them.

 

The yoga sutras speak about non-duality as a gift of yoga where we catch a glimpse of life beyond the labeling of things as good or bad.  We begin to experience events with more equanimity as life’s infinite unfolding without so much judgement.  So, even in the midst of loss, betrayal, unwanted changes, we can experience not only the fear but also tenderness, compassion, courage, and belonging. 

 

As a result of yoga practice, I have begun to experience my fear in this new way.  When I notice the fear, it can feel at first overwhelming.  It can still feel as if I am in danger of annihilation. But then, rather than being consumed by this fear, I am finding a way to take a step back away from it, to observe it from a distance and to ask “who is it that is being annihilated?”  This proves to be a key question.  I have a sense of myself as the Seer asking this question, the part of me that observes my life but is not participating in it, the part of me that is unified with my soul.  And then I also begin to see how not all of me is existentially threatened but only a part.  I then can internally find a way to care for and abide with the part that is dying.  This is a part that is no longer serving me and does need to die so that I might in part be reborn again fresh and freer.  I am in this way learning to dance with fear, to use it as another way to become more intimate with myself.  And to be less afraid in the world.