Abhinivesa

Contemplative wisdom discerns our efforts in contemplative living to be effective insofar as our efforts are bringing us, without our knowing how, into the horizonless domain of serenity in the no-hope-for-recovery situation. We can discern the effectiveness of our efforts insofar as they embody our stepping across the line to join those who have come to serenity in knowing they are about to die.

James Finley, The Contemplative Heart

 

Abhinevasa, the fear of death in sanskrit, is natural and human. That we are conscious of our own death makes us human even though this consciousness stops short comprehension of what it means to let go so much.  We experience smaller deaths or losses throughout our lives which can prepare us for the final transformation of our lives through death.  It is not possible to know how we will be when faced with the small and big losses in life.  One can only learn this by living through it.  Right after my father died, I could not have predicted how surreal the familiar world was going to feel as I walked home from the hospital.  I felt like a shadow moving among a world that I was no longer a part of.  It was a warm and sunny spring day.  I stopped at the park where I played as a child and lay down at the base of an old oak tree.  I found surprising comfort and grounding by the tree, by the green grass, by the sounds of children playing.  I could not have known beforehand what it was going to be like to live through a whole year after his death with the grief coming and going in waves, the deep way I missed him and wondered where he was, the way after a year or so he came to live close in my heart. Even after grieving this loss, I cannot not know what it will be like to lose my mother, a groundnote of my being, when and if she passes before me. 

 

Contemplative teachings tell us that the more we practice surrender and compassion to little and big loses, the fuller and richer the life we are living becomes. This is the way in which we can live in a more fearless and effortless way. As if were dying and had nothing left to lose.  This isn’t about spending through all the money in the bank account or living recklessly without taking responsibility for our self-care, the care of those we are responsible for, the work necessary for support and contribution.  But it does mean that a whole lot less is important than we think.  So much really does not matter, the promotion at work, the ending of the love affair, reaching the summit of the mountain, winning the prize.  This is what you learn when you are dying and what we can learn before we are dying through the practice of surrender. 

 

As I practice, I will continue to hold onto things sometimes too tightly. May I take in the fragrance of these spring flowers, the color of each day’s end, the welcoming softness of the bed sheets even if only a little in between my distractions.  May I know I am loved enough without needing to achieve anything more.  May I find compassion for my small-mindedness, my judgements, my stinginess, and find fearlessness in facing all that I still fear.