Alone Together

 

During some part of everyday, most of us will feel lonely regardless of how many friendships we have, whether we are parents, have partners, are in fulfilling or awful jobs. This is because loneliness comes from inside of ourselves not from outer circumstances.  I am not talking about isolation where because of choice or situation we are cut-off from other people (like in the pandemic)!  The loneliness I am writing about is rooted in disconnection from our innermost self. 

 

Because loneliness makes us feel estranged from others it can seem as if relationship is the antidote.  But as Carl Jung has said, we cannot be in relationship with others until we come to a mature relationship with ourselves in our aloneness.  For it is only in our aloneness that we learn to be with our wounds, the parts of ourselves that we would rather cut-off.  When we are unable to abide with our wounds, we end up looking to pawn them off on someone else.  This is too big a burden for anyone else to carry.  To ask another to be responsible for our wounds leeches the relationship of its vitality and intimacy. 

 

When relationships challenge us it is usually a call to tend to our wounds in aloneness. A relationship becomes painful when the other touches parts of our inner wounding that we have neglected. The other person doesn’t make me irritated so much as touch a thread which pulls up an irritated inner part out to the surface so it can become more known to me.  Recently, I have felt vulnerable at work with a challenging co-worker.  Painful feelings of shame arise in me when I feel I am criticized and not appreciated.  But something wise inside of me tells me that it is not the other person that is making me feel small but a part of my innerself who is small and who is being pulled to the surface so I might give her more attention. I wouldn’t know this part of myself if I wasn’t in relationship with this challenging person. When I can welcome the forgotten parts into my heart, I have a chance to heal past wounds and grow into my wholeness.

 

I am with myself so I can be more intimate with others and with others so I can be more intimate with myself.