Be(hold)

 

Old English bihaldan (West Saxon behealdan) "give regard to, hold in view,"

 

Compassion is a place from which we can bear witness to the pain and suffering of this world and connect with others without attachment to self, other, or outcome.”

Joan Halifax, Edge States

 

But no matter the medicinal virtues of being a true friend or sustaining a long close relationship with another, the ultimate touchstone of friendship is not improvement, neither of the other nor of the self, the ultimate touchstone is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another…

David Whyte, Contemplations

 

In a pure friendship, we hold each other in view.  We bear witness to the suffering and pleasures of our beloveds without clinging, resentment, jealousy, or agenda. This requires our cultivating the capacity for great generosity, open-heartedness, and tenderness.  It is the fruit of spiritual maturity to allow our companions in life to be as they are not how we want them to be.

 

Earlier on in my spiritual journey – perhaps before I even knew I was on one! -  I held my dearest friends close and tight so that they might never go away.  I could never get enough of them.  A part of me wanted them always near so that I might be surrounded by the safety and shelter that their presence provided.  But they always did go away physically or emotionally as their own lives followed its own ebb and flow.  So much depended on my feeling close, the stakes were high, so that I was easily offended by a cancelled date, not enough time taken on a phone call, a new set of friends that did not include me, or even an offhand comment that hurt even if it wasn’t intended to.

 

As much as I desired this closeness, I also was afraid that if I got to close to the people I loved, they would find my inner ugliness right under the surface.  I wasn’t always able to be kind, patient, virtuous and felt this to be a terrible failing. Friends surely wouldn’t like me when they saw how I angry I could get, all my bad habits, my clinging, and sometimes need to be better than them.  It felt as if these limitations defined me and were unique. The distance between myself and beloveds was painful because of my intolerance of the distance and also my desperate need for it.

 

As I have come to befriend all the forgotten and dark places inside of myself, the distance between myself and friends has become more natural, less painful, and freeing. Friends and beloveds, I learned, were not made to fill the emptiness inside of me.  They were not in my life to take care of my innerself.  That was an inside job. The inner emptiness of the self, I have learned through practice, is a precious gift given to us as a birthright.  It gives birth to our deepest longings the source of our creativity, energy, compassion, and gratitude. As I cultivate a tender companionship with my innerself, I no longer need friends to fill me up.  Because I no longer need to hold on so tight, I am able to behold beloveds from a distance and bear witness to how they really are rather than how I needed them to be for me.  And I can allow them in turn to see me in all my glory, failure, muddling, and joy.

 

An image that illustrates my maturing relationship with friends is one of sitting on the shore watching the tide ebb and flow.  We cannot gather up the tide in our arms to stop it from going but are invited by the movement of light and color, textures, and fragrance to imbibe, savor, and receive its beauty.  We in turn offer up our gazing.  This is what it is like with pure friendship, the ability to witness another’s beautiful dance and to become part of another’s life through that witnessing.   Through inner companionship, I gain the stability and heartiness to sit on the shore and watch as my friends ebb and flow and dance like the tide.  I have as much need to hold onto them as I would the tide. Instead, I can feel the fullness of their embrace when it is offered and the rich space between us when they let go.  I can watch them like the waves rolling and dancing in the wind, move out beyond the sunset, feel my heart breaking at the loss and the hoped for return and the sturdiness of my own inner shore. My own world is larger now that includes the rhythm of friendship.  I am a sturdier friend now that I have befriended myself.