Trouble

Trouble

As humans we hopelessly underestimate the troubles that come when undertaking any activity of significance.  Why else would we put in the effort of learning something new, volunteering, climbing mountains, being in relationship unless we thought that things were pretty much going to turn out well, that the joy would outweigh any hardship.  Yet time and again, after the honeymoon period has passed, the actual lived experience of what we have undertaken turns out to be laced with difficulties, troubles, and challenges, that we did not anticipate.  Dip a toe and then a thigh, maybe a hip, into any new endeavor, and the cold waves lipping over the collar bones will make you wonder if you had better turn around and fast.

When troubles came, as the always did, I used to feel as if I had done something terribly wrong, that if I had only worked harder, been kinder, planned better that the difficulty would not be so difficult and the path forward easier to discern.  What made things much worse was the shame I felt having caused the awful troubles.  Because of the shame, little troubles felt much bigger than they were toppling me over as I scrambled to fix, paste over, cover up my terrible unworthiness.  The shame made it harder to keep going towards the longed-for goal.

It was through kriya yoga (practice, self-study, faithfulness and surrender), and many years of rubbing up against trouble, that I began to find a different relationship towards trouble.  The biggest shift came when I started to feel more compassion for myself when they came rather than the shame.    

There is a surrender that comes when I am able to watch things fall apart without blaming myself for the unraveling.  I know that the trouble has come not because I did something wrong but because things don’t always turn out as hoped for.  How things actually turn out seems like trouble because we did not anticipate them.  Now when troubles come I try to remind myself that something is unfolding here that I did not anticipate, that is new.  I surrender to not having control over the mystery of life and to not knowing.  With less shame, I have more courage to persist through difficulty.  In persisting I cultivate self-reliance, humility, and openness to the gifts of assistance that always accompany troubles.   The trouble gives me a chance to see things more clearly, as they are, and to draw on resources I was unaware of.  

The unexpected, I see now, is the stuff of the richest parts of life, wherein we find deeper relationships with ourselves and others.  In the trouble, we experience aliveness rubbing up against the wildness that makes life so magnificent.